Sunday, November 7, 2010

5 Signs You're Dating A Deadbeat

On the surface a lot of guys can come across as "ballers," but its up to you to be alert and pay attention to the waving red flags that make it clear this stud is really being a bum with his money.  Before dating becomes "I do," look for these warning signs and clues.  If you find them, run OR go through some serious counseling before walking down the aisle! Remember, most marriages end over financial disagreements, but be clear that people who enter marriage with bad money habits don't magically begin them because they're married.  They were showing signs all along!

Red Flag #1: He drives a big flashy car and lives in a fly apartment - the one he calls a "condo" - in the ritzy part of town, but his furniture consists of a futon and one flat screen television.  Okay, if he moved in last Saturday, then we can give him a pass, but if he's a grown man and he's been there longer than 30 days with no real furniture, chances are he's not the baller you thought he was.  The only thing worse would be him living in a fully furnished home. . . with his mama!

Red Flag #2: When you met him, he was buying out the bar at the club. But, everytime you come to that empty apartment/"condo," his refrigerator is just as bare with the exception of the Arm & Hammer Baking Soda he uses to keep the ice fresh. Be leery of anyone who is so concerned about impressing complete strangers on Saturday night, he'll starve for the rest of the week.

Red Flag #3: Have you ever seen him get his mail out of the mailbox? If you answered "No," be concerned. He can't be in control of his finances if he's ignoring his mail. Someone who has their finances together won't want to run the risk of missing something important. On the flip side, if he does get the mail, but the contents are always pastel colored envelopes that read "URGENT" or "PAST DUE" across the front, you should still be concerned. That is a pretty standard clue that someone is having trouble paying their bills on time.


Red Flag #4:  He never answers his phone when you're around.  Of course initially you assume its another woman, but once you catch a glimpse of the phone flashing once or twice, you realize he's ignoring 800 numbers, or worse: those phone numbers that have '0' all across the screen - we all know that's the universal sign of a creditor that means business!  More than likely he owes some big money. Utilities under collection don't get you those type of "special" calls!

Red Flag #5:  He doesn't have a bank account. You thought him buying everything in cash was just the baller in him.  Now you realize he has no checking account, ATM card or debit card. If you ask him why and he says anything remotely close to, "Check cashing places are cheaper," politely excuse yourself and run for cover!  With that type of thinking, he'll be putting his debt in your name in no time!

If  you have your finances on the right track or are making strides to do so, be careful of the company you keep and especially those you choose to date.  Although you may have the best of intentions to get them on track, it'll be much easier for them to get you off track!  Don't ignore the signs. They're all around you, if you just pay attention.

Until Next Week,

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @SeekWisdomPCW

Seek Wisdom, Find Wealth & Be Blessed!

PS - If you have any other red flags, please feel free to share and help your sisters out!

39 comments:

Tyris D. Maxey said...

Who knows this guy? Not many people. This Post was a real stretch.

Anonymous said...

wOW....THIS WAS SOOOO NOT A STRETCH.... I WAS MARRIED TO SOMEONE FOR 10 YEARS WITH THE SAME SIGNS/QUALITIES.....SHAME ON ME!

Anonymous said...

Tyris..Get Real, 60% of young brothers 20 35 live with their mom or some young mother with kids! However, they got 'SWAG' we all know these guys! It's really bad in 'New Orleans'.....Sad, but true!

Mr.B

Anonymous said...

Iknow this guy..was not a stretch at all..and wasnt that young..44..

Anonymous said...

this is not far from the truth...I've experienced this..and he wasnt young..not 100% accurate but 98%.

Anonymous said...

The only one that made sense was the one about the bank account. This article described extreme cases, it wont help the average lady.

Anonymous said...

My son lives with me, has a great job and pays most of the bills including rent. Not all brothers who live with their mamas are deadbeats. He is wonderful help

Anonymous said...

Some men most men should be more upfront financially stop fronting and playing games with themselves and their partner. Women struggle all the times but struggle because we have no back bone to stand on.

Anonymous said...

the 5 signs are true and the said this is that the state of the black man IS TRIFLING people please please please raise your children with some sense, dignity and good decision making skills.

lance said...

this kind of mindset and promotion of this shallow bs wich has led to us choosing the other persuasion.a man that takes you out and does all he can beyond his means to keep up with mass media and video misconceptions just to spend time with you is far from a deadbeat.and you failed to mention the lady that left her purse in the car or better yet at home.(been there to witness that more than once)now thats a deadbeat in true form.those that say it doesn't take 2 these days is a balled faced lie.and that MAN that lives at home with his mama..his presents is more than likely required.the black woman needs to stop trying to tell a black Man how to be a MAN,when you haven't experienced 1 day in the struggle.including this lame ass simple minded author of this article.lets talk about how we can come together not just ride coat tails.i'm done..........

lance said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

This article was sooooooo true. I almost married a guy like that. He was doing all the wining and dining. When I moved into his "condo" in an exclusive part of town, no food in the fridge. Why? O, I am never home to eat, I am just not hungry or on a diet. So I started buying groceries. He kept the mail box key and at one point would run to check the mail before I got home or tell me to go up and then check the mail. Found out later, every month we were about to be evicted. Not only did he stop answering his phone, he got it cut off! Now in my 30s I can see it clearly as the sun on a hot summer day. In my 20s, I was a bit naive. But this is great info for people who just don't know any better.

Anonymous said...

just got laid off, is another one

Anonymous said...

THE TYPE OF GUY DESCRIBED ISN'T TRYING TO "DATE" ANYWAY. HE IS BEING FLASHY AND LYING TO GET SEX.
THINK NOTHING MORE OF IT, OR HIM.

ANY PERSON WHO DOES NOT HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT IS SIMPLY FINANCIALLY STUPID!

Anonymous said...

I find it funny women always complaining about how or what the man can do for her. If she gave a damn and notice these problems where is the post Im going to try help the brother out. The word "deadbeat" is totally wrong I think. I agree wit about 30% of da article. The bank account, blowing money and no furniture stuff but Thts about it.

Anonymous said...

Ha yes there all true all 5. But it's was. Women I ran into out here in cail with out warfare they wouldn't have a dime
Just the $20 too get in club an the rest of time walking wit the puppy dog eyes looking for a drink so I see it 50/50 oh don't give me the man not her to help my moms had five kids no man no warfare so it can be done

Anonymous said...

Even though i agree with some of this, Men are not the only ones that show these signs! I know some deadbeat women that have they priorities all twisted up!! Like instead of buying their kids some school clothes, they would rather waste it going to the club. And not to metion she stays with her mother in a two bedroom apartment... I'm just sayin let's be fair deadbeats are not only men!

Patrice Cunningham Washington said...

@Everyone - As usual, thanks for the feedback. I always enjoy reading the comments and perspectives of the readers whether you agree with me or not.

@Lance - I'm not sure why you seem so angry about the post. You are right, I'm not a Black man; Never been one and no intentions of becoming one. That's why the post was not geared towards me "telling Black men what to do." On the other hand, I AM a Black woman and will always be one. And, in my work daily, I speak with women who feel they were wined, dined and conned by men. I wrote this post, however, to give them a few warning signs so that women could take personal responsibility for the men they entertain in their lives.

In addition, remember, this was not a post about "Black men." You made it that. I didn't. These signs could be applied to any race.

@ all those who said men aren't the only ones who show these signs, please know I totally agree. I only blog from my own experiences, however, or that of my clients (all female), but if you have any links to share of people who have talked about it from the other perspective, feel free.

Mr BJ. said...

@Patrice Cunningham; it's obvious to what race your column was geared towards being a black woman like you confirmed. Stand up and take responsibilities for your comments, we all know they were originated from personal experiences and not only from your alleged all female clients. I'm guessing you're single and having a hard time with the rules of engagement or divorced/seperated. We as black people have to do better and stop bashing one another due to personal problems which everyone on this earth isn't immune to. I don't need to start telling brothers how to decode the avaerage black woman who is out to suck men dry of all their hard earned money; I'm sure they all know.

@Lance; I totally feel you and where you were coming from, but as we all know the average black woman would never.

Anonymous said...

@Tyris... This post wasn't a stretch at all!!!! I know this guy... I know plenty of this guy. Sad, but true... I just hate when I meet this man, exchange numbers then during the course of the first conversation you realize that when you were driving your Benz... He approached you in his mom's BMW, he CLAIMS he's "Helping his parents out", but living in the basement because his ex thru him out of her government-funded apartment that our taxes have been paying for the whole time and now he's looking for an upgrade to leach off... Smfh... I'm realizing some men are bigger gold-diggers than women.

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU!!!! @ Patrice... I think Lance must fit the bill because he is steamed with this article... However, the "Plight of a black man" blah, blah, blah thing is getting really old in a day where black women are aquiring more and more degrees, Obama is president, and we still have slackers with no job, living off mom or baby mama, etc... Coming with the excuses and why they can't get ahead because of some "White man" when they haven't even SEEN a white man recently... LITERALLY!!!!!

Anonymous said...

@Tyris..Im sith you yo. This was a real stretch to say the least! If someone does know this guy,it shouldnt be for very long. This hasthe same feel to it,as a steve harvey book. Useless,should be common sense information.If it can help someone,then God Bless...

Anonymous said...

Thank you also be mindful of the 35+ yr old with a roommate to save money. My ex was like that, I helped him with some things and he totally ruined my credit and I had to empty my bank acct to soften the blow. The only reasons you should accept a grown man living w/ his momma is if she is ill or he went back to school full time, other than that he's a momma's boy.

Shelly said...

I am a black woman and can attest to the fact this article isn't just about black men because this describes my former white fiance to a t! Attorney earning nearly $200000 a year and yet asking me to borrow $200 on a regular basis for food for his kids' visits, house in foreclosure, car repossessed, blamed everything on his ex who only received $2k per month for four kids in child support and no spousal support, sparsely furnished house, selling things in the house constantly for money, and no food in the fridge. When I suggested we budget together and we got our free credit reports together, I nearly had a coronary when I saw his. This man had no financial skills what so ever, asked me to marry him and I finally said no when I realized I had two kids and would not accept this from a brother so why would I take this from him. I still feel bad for choosing my FICO over him but I'm a single parent with no support from my ex husband on a teacher's salary and if I'm lending a man that makes more than 4 times what I earn on a biweekly basis the same day he gets his salary, that's wrong.

jmalex1977 said...

Let's get real. First we ball for sex because you greedy sister's are always begging. Second we pay bills just like some of you do,child support etc, because you did'nt know how to do so many average things and you lie about being a christian,only after you come from the club. Never married 3 kids 3 different daddys, so who should be worried about red flags?THAT'S WHY MOST OF YOU CAN'T KEEP A MAN. Always comparing B.S. AND KEEPING IT GOING.

Anonymous said...

Let's get real. Birds of a feather flock togeather. What were you looking for in the first place? Both of you got just what you were looking for..........sex with the possibilities of something better. Never married 3 kids 3 different daddys and your still looking for someone to pay your way? Get real.

Anonymous said...

And ladie's how about giving out some random drug testing!! that will surely eliminate a major possibility of wether or not he's worth the time. shucks, we gotta have a no holds barred attitude.

Anonymous said...

America is fighting back from the worst recesssion in history, so it should not be too big of a scare that men and women are hearing from creditors. With all the news circulating about net worth disparities between blacks and whites,

The red flags here are not exclusive to black men. We all get that. But let's be fair, the formula is apparently a winner if it calls for a blog speaking out against it. I learned a long time ago that brothers don't continue to do anything to attract a sista that didn't work in the past. Somebody must like it. I own a home, pay all my bills on time, try to project responsibility and order in who I am, and that only appeals to some...so speak to the other side too. You might wanna ask the sisters what they find attractive in Mr. Deadbeat...

Likewaterforchoc said...

Sorry, for the late post, but I just saw this article featured on HelloBeautiful and wanted to read in its entirety. There are a lot of men on here who are upset I'm guessing because the article does not apply to them (hopefully). I did not take this article to apply to all black men and the author should not feel that she has to justify anything or apologize to any of these "brothas". She is merely listing signs of a financially irresponsible man who is not concerned with his financial well-being as he should be. And yet some guys saw it as an opportunity to go on a rant about why they hate black women and "this-is-why-we-date-white-women" nonsense. Hopefully, you are dating white women for the right reasons such as finding the best possible mate rather than being too weak and not "man enough" to deal with a black woman. I have read several articles that seem to denegrate and demonize black women. These articles do not alwalys apply to me, but trust and believe I know black women who fit these descriptions well. So, brotha, if this is not you, I garauntee you know someone who fits the bill of the description above.

Anonymous said...

This is definitely not a stretch whatsoever. I'm surprised if I meet a guy that doesn't fit into any of these categories. I'm not looking to have a man to financially support me in any way. Thank God I'm straight on that end. I look for these signs to have less chance of getting a dude that always has his hands in my pockets. Golddiggers are male too and very prevalent. Both of us should take care of our own financial responsibilities.

corticartelangranges said...

I'm not gonna let a man use me point blank period.If a man you start dating and within a mont he is asking you for money leave him alone.he do not have it together because you would be the last person he ask.For me it is a big turn off you should be helping me i"m the woman you are the man act like it,and they alway's want to say im a man i can't tell.Just pay attention and talk less listen more he will tell it all mark my word.

Anonymous said...

I am a 31 year old black professional (engineer), I drive a lexus, and I live in a nice gated luxury apartment. I don't particularly care for Atlanta so I did not see the need to furnish my apartment to entertain people. I am here for work, if I happen to have friends over I have a dining table to enjoy a meal, and my bedroom is huge with seating. I can afford to eat out as a single person, so if my frig is bare, its maybe because I get tired of meat rotting. I own a home in another state which is rented out buiding credit and equity. So I say please people, don't look at this bs as the law by any means.

Dizzle said...

This is an extreme list in the sense that moat guys will not fit all 5 categories the writer listed. But I ll say there is a lot of truth to what she is saying. A lot of black men buy into the flashy lifestyles like in rap videos n stuff..Rick Ross has one "blowing Money fast" I mean that's living life right there, popping bottles in the club, beautiful women flocking all over them. But these guys make a lot of money, they have to show off so ppl would wanna be like them n buy their albums.
There is a saying " u are what u save, not what u make" this is very true. I am a 25 year old black male and I make well over a hundred thousand a year. I live in a decent condo with a roommate, I have a personal car n a company car as well. I party but I am not always in VIP etc. like I said u are what u save, not what u make. I can easily run thru 10k in one week if I'm not careful.

Ok I'm gonna stop soon. Now some women findout I make money n come around. I see what they are after, I recently had one with 3 different baby daddies after me, no job, n slept all day. Really? She was Tryna trap my ass...lol. Guys should not be offended by this article, I see people spend above their means unless they have some underground way of making money. Lol

Anonymous said...

Good post. I don't have any of those issues but when I'm out with a lady I silence my phone because I want all attention on her. If she notices the vibrate or the light from an incomming/missed call? That can be a good thing to look for (not answering the phone) but keep my comment in mind.

Anonymous said...

Wow! This article talked about nothing but money and finances. There are other reasons that can make you a deadbeat. Why is it that almost every time women refer to men "money" has to be involved. I was raised to have my own, to get my own. Do I know guys like this -- Yes! I just can't believe all 5 of the signs have to do with finance. Was there not anything else?

Anonymous said...

@author of this blog. #4...umm, how would u know? Cuz ive never gotten any 'special calls' w all zero's, but apparently you know what those zero's mean on a personal level. Lol-just sayin....

k_rokadocious said...

I woulda been this guy had I not come to my senses. All I ever wanted was to drive a luxury car and live in a penthouse and even after I finished college I would have been willing to struggle to pay a bmw car note and live in Miracle Mile (los angeles neighborhood) just to show people I had it going on and I know im not the only one. It took pure and unadulterated struggle to where i couldnt afford the faux lifestyle i planned for myself for me to reevaluate my priorities otherwise I woulda fit that bill. I think many commentors missed the point of the article which, if memory serves correctly, was to identify financially irresponsible men. Just because it isn't you or you can't relate doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If you make "6 figures and live with a roommate in a condo by choice" it may not apply to you so you shouldn't be offended. If your "presents is desired and/or mandatory at moms crib and you pay all the bills" might not apply to you either. Finally this post is on a site called seeking wisdom, creating wealth....what did you presume the redflags would be about? His fashion sense, music preferences and baby mama drama?

Diane said...

Red flag #1 - no way - typical American bias.

Most of the world, people live with their families, and no one thinks it is weird. In many cultures, kids stay with their parents until they get married. This is in no way a problem for me.

Also - as someone who lived with a futon in a studio apartment until I was 39, but is VERY responsible with money - and with my life, and my family, AND owns and runs a business - I would say exactly the opposite would be true. A guy who spends money on flashy furnishings and is more worried about having a $4K bed and the right coffee roaster (yes, I know these guys), is a "keeping up with the Joneses" wannabe, not a saver. Furniture is not critical to being financially responsible - and I say that as an Architect who loves good design. A futon and nothing else? Fine with me, if they are a good man.

You clearly have some strung biases. Not everyone lives like you do, not should everyone.

Patrice C. Washington said...

@Diane. . . Thanks, for your feedback. Actually, my family is not American and I did grow up with extended family living in the same household. I don't find it weird at all.

I think several readers missed what I said about a guy who "drives a big flashy car, lives in the most expensive area in town" AND has no furnishings and/or lives with his mother.

If you are truly "frugal" and being responsible with your money, where does the big flashy car and renting in the most expensive area come in? By then, you could have lived in a modest area and been dumping all of that car note money into a Roth IRA and additional investments. It just doesn't match up.